Ok, so its a deliberately provocative title, I admit. The idea for this post started as "Things I have learned from two years of marriage", which I promptly decided would be far to long to consolidate into a single post. I then thought of the things that my wife and I do that might be different, or interesting, and settled on how we handle money (which isn't "traditional"). Let's jump in.
I have been married to my wife, Lauren for nearly 2 years (which is crazy, it feels more like 2 months). As we got married, I remember hearing so many people offer up their one liner advice:
"Don't go to bed angry."
"Vacation a lot."
"Make time for each other."
One thing I didn't hear was "Don't argue about money", which seems to be to be a big one for most relationships. A quick Google search reveals that "Money" is a top 10 reason for divorce in the US. So how come people don't talk about it? My guess is that it is a very sensitive topic, and folks don't foresee problems as newlyweds when they set the pieces in motion that may later cause problems.
So what about how we deal with money is different? Well, for starters, no joint accounts. Lauren will tell you this with a hint of sarcasm in her tone, but I have remained firmly opposed to us having a joint checking account. Is it because I don't trust my wife with my money? Is it because I am hiding something? No. Well yes, around Christmas, but otherwise no. This will sound odd, but I chose to do it this way out of respect. By not joining our daily account, we're able to manage our money without criticism or judgement from the other half. It also allows us to buy each other gifts, or dinner, and it really feels like a treat. After years of growing up and watching my parents argue about money, I have decided this method is the lesser of all evils. I should be able to spend money on things that make me happy (golf clubs, computer stuff, etc) and so should Lauren (handbags, antiques, etc). The dollar amounts that would appear next to those things in a joint account would need some explanation were they combined.
People who disagree with me will usually argue convenience of shared money (from a shared account) being spent on groceries, furniture, meals, etc. The truth is, splitting those things is really easy. While not joint accounts, we're able to freely transfer money between our accounts for large purchases (or tax burdens this year) instantly, with Paypal or bank transfers. It keeps us both talking about shared expenses, and not about non-shared expenses. It also allows one of us to pick up dinner, for instance, and have it really feel like a treat. For most things, we've simply decided that one of us handles it (I handle meals out and electronics purchases, she handles groceries and house stuff). It isn't hard, and I suspect it balances out pretty evenly. Rent/mortgage and bills are a simple split and paypal/bank transfer to solve.
I want to stress that this has nothing to do with hiding things, not trusting your partner or anything like that. Lauren could call me right now, and I would happily give her access to whatever funds she needed (or even the logins to the accounts). Once you designate someone as a beneficiary, you kind of have to trust them. The point is not to restrict, as much as it is to respect: respect the discretionary spending of your spouse. In my opinion, this brings a small level of trust and respect to the relationship, and filters out needless bickering or arguments. That said, I completely understand this wont work for everyone. We're both fairly responsible spenders, and very good communicators, so it works for us.
So, what do I recommend to newlyweds and soon-to-be-newlyweds? Don't do what we did, or what everyone else does; do what makes sense to you. Have the discussions early on. The key to a good marriage is honesty; no financial arrangement can ensure that.
